My Life
It has been a long time since I've taken the time to do any kind of post here. There are a lot of reasons why, from moving, to getting our house organized, to having to deal with my physical health and my mental health. A lot of changes that didn't leave a lot of time for much else.
The biggest problem is having to deal with my health. Again I'm not deathly ill or anything like that, but I am not in good physical condition, by my own personal standards. This lack of good physical health always leads to poor mental health. My fight with depression has been harder as a result.
Each day I didn't exercise, or ate like garbage served to wear me down mentally. It is not just mentally exhausting, but physically exhausting as well. This added stress leads to increased migraines and an increase in apathy. It is a vicious downward spiral that leaves me unable to do much more than take care of my kids.
In November I resolved to change things. I decided I was going to start exercising early in the morning. It has not been an easy change to make. Getting up at 5:30 in the morning isn't easy when I have trouble going to bed early enough to get the right amount of sleep. I will admit it, I have struggled. Trying to get back in shape in your thirties is no joke, and I have failed in my goals a number of times, and it's only been about a month since I started.
These missed days are always hard for me, because of how critical I am of myself. Little mistakes I can deal with, but the big ones tear me up mentally. It leads me to a negative thought process that makes everything else that much harder.
In this whole mess of mental conflict, I'm still trying to write. Trying to put my ideas to page when I'm fighting thoughts of how worthless I am is never fun. There are days where I stare at the screen, idly flipping through my various projects and not having the motivation to work on any of them. It is part of the reason I struggle to keep up a consistent release schedule. It's why I haven't posted anything here in months.
Depression is an ugly thing. Coupled with migraines and there are days I can barely function. The two feed on each other, making the other so much worse. They break me down, push me to the ground and kick me when I try to stand back up. The pain is sometimes overwhelming. And while all this is happening, I have to keep being a good dad, to help my little boys understand that dad isn't mad at them, but he is in so much pain that their squeals of joy are like knives in my ears.
Part of why I'm writing this is because it is one of my ways of coping. There are studies that have shown that writing can help those who struggle with mental illness. Having the support of my family, friends, and my faith makes a big difference. But there are days when even all of those things together aren't enough.
This is a rambling post, I know, but it was one I needed to do. It is to show that I've gotten back up after being beaten down yet again. I'm dusting myself off, ready to punch my depression in the face, ready to fight my migraines, ready to keep fighting to improve, to keep being a good dad, and one day being a successful writer.
The biggest problem is having to deal with my health. Again I'm not deathly ill or anything like that, but I am not in good physical condition, by my own personal standards. This lack of good physical health always leads to poor mental health. My fight with depression has been harder as a result.
Each day I didn't exercise, or ate like garbage served to wear me down mentally. It is not just mentally exhausting, but physically exhausting as well. This added stress leads to increased migraines and an increase in apathy. It is a vicious downward spiral that leaves me unable to do much more than take care of my kids.
In November I resolved to change things. I decided I was going to start exercising early in the morning. It has not been an easy change to make. Getting up at 5:30 in the morning isn't easy when I have trouble going to bed early enough to get the right amount of sleep. I will admit it, I have struggled. Trying to get back in shape in your thirties is no joke, and I have failed in my goals a number of times, and it's only been about a month since I started.
These missed days are always hard for me, because of how critical I am of myself. Little mistakes I can deal with, but the big ones tear me up mentally. It leads me to a negative thought process that makes everything else that much harder.
In this whole mess of mental conflict, I'm still trying to write. Trying to put my ideas to page when I'm fighting thoughts of how worthless I am is never fun. There are days where I stare at the screen, idly flipping through my various projects and not having the motivation to work on any of them. It is part of the reason I struggle to keep up a consistent release schedule. It's why I haven't posted anything here in months.
Depression is an ugly thing. Coupled with migraines and there are days I can barely function. The two feed on each other, making the other so much worse. They break me down, push me to the ground and kick me when I try to stand back up. The pain is sometimes overwhelming. And while all this is happening, I have to keep being a good dad, to help my little boys understand that dad isn't mad at them, but he is in so much pain that their squeals of joy are like knives in my ears.
Part of why I'm writing this is because it is one of my ways of coping. There are studies that have shown that writing can help those who struggle with mental illness. Having the support of my family, friends, and my faith makes a big difference. But there are days when even all of those things together aren't enough.
This is a rambling post, I know, but it was one I needed to do. It is to show that I've gotten back up after being beaten down yet again. I'm dusting myself off, ready to punch my depression in the face, ready to fight my migraines, ready to keep fighting to improve, to keep being a good dad, and one day being a successful writer.
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